insomia

Recently keep having insomnia, arriving of night time seems to be a troubled thing for me. Since I can't sleep I shall voice out all my displeasure in here, hope that it'll help a bit.

Sometimes I think that staying single, maybe growing old with myself is a good thing. At least I know that I dote on myself, I spent enough time on myself. So what if one is in a relationship when you have to wait for others to dote for you? Moreover the person has got no spare time...quite pathetic...only when there's spare time then I'll come into mind. 

People always say that if that person is really so important to you, you'll arrange properly to ensure that she/he is well care and love for. Not long ago, I just somehow feel like I'm a dog, always waiting at a corner for my owner to pay attention to me, maybe sometimes when my owner is free, he can bring me out for a walk. Whether a heart is sincere or not, after few relationships, can't I tell? No...I'm just lying to myself that I'm unreasonable, he has got no no no time At All. 

Through normal conversation like messaging, chatting already can tell if that person is eager to see yr msg or its just a "I can always reply later or I don't think there's a need to reply" attitude. Maybe the frustration and depressing mood in me now is due to I try to hold on inside me for so long. So what if we had a chat, my point always doesn't get through since you think that what you did is more than sufficient? I'm sorry, but being through those relationship tells me that I must learn how to love myself before I can learn how to love others. I'm sorry, even if I have to fork out all my savings to salvage the situation which I created, I won't marry a man that I think he doesn't love me enough. I won't let myself suffer for a whole life facing someone who is like that. If I have a choice, I would rather stay single than to let my heart get hurt over and over again, thinking that there's always a way out and one day you will love me when  you have time. Thinking too much may be what you think I'm doing but honestly, if you love me enough will I have time to think of all these nonsense to hurt and console myself?? What is giving enough love? Guess you won't know for now..

Still feeling hurt but at least I confessed all my feelings here...I feel a tiny bit better..guess I can go back to my bed and continue staring my the walls.